Yes, I'm being honest to myself today. I'm being honest enough to convince myself that something's wrong , not only with me, but the entire world around me. It's like a turn table, the ups and downs ,I meant. Unlike other posts, this post isn't just another attempt to improve my grammar. I believe I'm past that stage now. It's the other side of life that I seem to have a problem with.
Fairly tales are meant to have a happy ending. My tale is just about managing its twists and turns. The past few days were like this hot cup of tea, that I intend to make for myself, for the drenched and vivid position I am in, the cup of tea which you enjoy rather gradually, sippping each moment as and when it comes, and savouring it alongside. I forgot though, that tea would eventually lose its sweetness.
I remembered having pondered upon getting into a relationship. Apart from the usual perplexity of recieving a yes/no, there was another perpetual insecurity that kept bothering me. It was 'me' and my unanimously criticized traits. Some things are etched in one's curriculum like they were a part of an underlying mentality. I think it's this underlying mentality that I've come to both question and introspect.
Things change, so do circumstances. Many would believe I'm in a superfluously 'enviable' position,I guess, only I know how terrible I feel right now. There's a common adage in the stock market, in fact it frequents the business newspapers too much : Diversify your assets. Nothing and nobody in this world is entirely dependable. It seems quite ironic to me to have fallen into this trap,( for I aspire to be a risk manager someday) where I became so emotionally dependent on one person, that even a moment of ridicule can push me into the darkest pit ever. At this instant, I feel more of a rejected person in general , than a dejected boyfriend.
I guess, in this frenetic quest to achieve a 'personality' , I've started losing myself as a person. It's not something I repent. Whatever achievements I can boast of today, are a consequence of this, but at the end of it there's this hollowness, the kind that makes you feel that there's a vaccum.
I've never liked sharing too much with people. It has always been scary for me to let people know more about me. That's precisely why I've always avoided falling back on people. To be honest, I've never really found anybody that trustable. Given the current scenario however, I've started putting it in another way: I am just too vulnerable myself. Behind my tall predicament, lies a taller ego, and a staunch insecurity that compells me to keep to myself, for an iota of ignominy and I might just lose myself to a sullen delirium.
It's very frustrating to know that I've disrupted a girl's emotional routine. I feel guilty already. The next time perhaps I'll just keep to myself. If the only girl I ever cared for couldn't get my thinking in four months, then I believe, and yes I strongly do, niether do I deserve nor do I intend to get into a commitment. I think I'm just unfit to be in one.
Fairly tales are meant to have a happy ending. My tale is just about managing its twists and turns. The past few days were like this hot cup of tea, that I intend to make for myself, for the drenched and vivid position I am in, the cup of tea which you enjoy rather gradually, sippping each moment as and when it comes, and savouring it alongside. I forgot though, that tea would eventually lose its sweetness.
I remembered having pondered upon getting into a relationship. Apart from the usual perplexity of recieving a yes/no, there was another perpetual insecurity that kept bothering me. It was 'me' and my unanimously criticized traits. Some things are etched in one's curriculum like they were a part of an underlying mentality. I think it's this underlying mentality that I've come to both question and introspect.
Things change, so do circumstances. Many would believe I'm in a superfluously 'enviable' position,I guess, only I know how terrible I feel right now. There's a common adage in the stock market, in fact it frequents the business newspapers too much : Diversify your assets. Nothing and nobody in this world is entirely dependable. It seems quite ironic to me to have fallen into this trap,( for I aspire to be a risk manager someday) where I became so emotionally dependent on one person, that even a moment of ridicule can push me into the darkest pit ever. At this instant, I feel more of a rejected person in general , than a dejected boyfriend.
I guess, in this frenetic quest to achieve a 'personality' , I've started losing myself as a person. It's not something I repent. Whatever achievements I can boast of today, are a consequence of this, but at the end of it there's this hollowness, the kind that makes you feel that there's a vaccum.
I've never liked sharing too much with people. It has always been scary for me to let people know more about me. That's precisely why I've always avoided falling back on people. To be honest, I've never really found anybody that trustable. Given the current scenario however, I've started putting it in another way: I am just too vulnerable myself. Behind my tall predicament, lies a taller ego, and a staunch insecurity that compells me to keep to myself, for an iota of ignominy and I might just lose myself to a sullen delirium.
It's very frustrating to know that I've disrupted a girl's emotional routine. I feel guilty already. The next time perhaps I'll just keep to myself. If the only girl I ever cared for couldn't get my thinking in four months, then I believe, and yes I strongly do, niether do I deserve nor do I intend to get into a commitment. I think I'm just unfit to be in one.
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