The Usual Stuff

So , it's a matter of discrete chance that I'm still up at this hour. Surprising ? Yes, from now I'm on this stringent resolve to annihilate any preconceived prejudices that you may have about me. It's just good fun to not give you what you were expecting.

Since I did take an implicit vow to keep polluting this blog ,periodically that was , I'm back to the dungeon of dark thoughts. For a change , I'll talk about the usual good stuff. 

For a while now, things have been straight. Girlfriend No. 32 ( '10 -...) is trying to figure out if I'm a 'psychological marvel'. I'm sure , I'm taken more as an out-of-the-box case study these days. Friends are perceiving me less gay. Truth prevails ! Academics are at their usual worst, as ever. Nothing new. Controversies are at their bare minimum. Sigh.

So, what is the usual stuff ?  I'm trying to figure out. I'm missing my old laptop for sure. It was slow, bulky , hard to carry, but I still have an affinity for it. I've switched to this swanky new mini, and I can only pretend to be satisfied. So, you could have probably guessed where I'm spending my first month's salary. What were you expecting? Gifts . Tch Tch .. TEE SEE AECH.

My old laptop was the saree clad "Sati- Saavitri" , the new one, as the name ( Hp- mini) suggests, is more the mini skirt clad Savitri , with absolutely no intention of being Sati. The old one was boring , the new one's flashy. The old one had three keys waiting to pop out, the new one , so far, has no such tendencies.

But then, I wake up at this god for saken hour , and decide to do something to "add value" to myself (Yes, Gf No. 32, you heard it , "add value".) , this laptop does not even throw in the right vibes. I want my Sati Savitri back. But, I don't want to let go of this pretty bombshell either. She was Bipasha, this is Mallika. She was love, this is lust. She was excitement, this is curiosity.

And yeah, the figure '32'. I mean, that's a bit of an exaggeration. But only a bit. Sigh.

CTC

It's highly probable that the first thing that comes to your mind at the very mention of CTC is the cost to company. It's okay. The placement session does that to almost everyone. In this context however , the intended meaning is Cut the Crap.

If I could opt not writing the last post , I wouldn't. Forget about all that " niether do I deserve nor do I intend to" part. Sometimes I wonder how melodramatic I can become by the most trivial of issues. Though I do agree that the triviality of the issue is again, a matter of personal perception. In retrospect, it seems pretty trivial to me.

But then flouting a " girl's emotional routine", that was really the limit. I mean, what was I even thinking ? An emotional routine ! It's not as if I thought that girls took out some time every day to crib over issues or something. I seriously didn't. But  then you got to agree, it's funny to imagine a girl having one, an emotional routine I meant. While I may pretend to laugh at it upfront, from the inside ,there's this echoing voice which keeps repeating itself with a marginal essence of insult, as you might have guessed : Abe Gavaar !

But then, the heart is a child ji .Yes, I've heard the song too. And from now on, I'll be blogging more frequently. I believe my 'vella-city' is positively correlated with the velocity of my blog posts.

Random Floods

Yes, I'm being honest to myself today. I'm being honest enough to convince myself that something's wrong , not only with me, but the entire world around me. It's like a turn table, the ups and downs ,I meant. Unlike other posts, this post isn't just another attempt to improve my grammar. I believe I'm past that stage now. It's the other side of life that I seem to have a problem with.

Fairly tales are meant to have a happy ending. My tale is just about managing its twists and turns. The past few days were like this hot cup of tea, that I intend to make for myself, for the drenched and vivid position I am in, the cup of tea which you enjoy rather gradually, sippping each moment as and when it comes, and savouring it alongside. I forgot though, that tea would eventually lose its sweetness.

I remembered having pondered upon getting into a relationship. Apart from the usual perplexity of  recieving a yes/no, there was another perpetual insecurity that kept bothering me. It was 'me' and my unanimously criticized traits. Some things are etched in one's curriculum like they were a part of an underlying mentality. I think it's this underlying mentality that I've come to both question and introspect.

Things change, so do circumstances. Many would believe I'm in a superfluously 'enviable' position,I guess, only I know how terrible I feel right now. There's a common adage in the stock market, in fact it frequents the business newspapers too much : Diversify your assets. Nothing and nobody in this world is entirely dependable. It seems quite ironic to me to have fallen into this trap,( for I aspire to be a risk manager someday) where I became so emotionally dependent on one person, that even a moment of ridicule can push me into the darkest pit ever. At this instant, I feel more of a rejected person in general , than a dejected boyfriend.

I guess, in this frenetic quest to achieve a 'personality' , I've started losing myself as a person. It's not something I repent. Whatever achievements I can boast of today, are a consequence of this, but at the end of it there's this hollowness, the kind that makes you feel that there's a vaccum.

I've never liked sharing too much with people. It has always been scary for me to let people know more about me. That's precisely why I've always avoided falling back on people. To be honest, I've never really found anybody that trustable. Given the current scenario however, I've started putting it in another way: I am just too vulnerable myself. Behind my tall predicament, lies a taller ego, and a staunch insecurity that compells me to keep to myself, for an iota of ignominy and I might just lose myself to a sullen delirium.

It's very frustrating to know that I've disrupted a girl's emotional routine. I feel guilty already. The next time perhaps I'll just keep to myself. If the only girl I ever cared for couldn't get my thinking in four months, then I believe, and yes I strongly do, niether do I deserve nor do I intend to get into a commitment. I think I'm just unfit to be in one.